Greetings from the Rabbit Hole
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When you go down the rabbit hole of infertility treatments, you never know what you will get - or how far you will go to get it. You may end up considering things that you never imagined. And you may have to answer tough questions that challenge your basic beliefs. Once you have your baby (or babies), you might think that your stint with artificial reproduction has ended. You weren’t getting pregnant - For years. Then by the miracle of modern medicine, you did! Your infertility is cured, and now you just get to dive in and raise the little darlings. Right? Every April we get a letter from the reproductive lab reminding us that we still have one foot, or rather - four embryos, in the world of artificial reproduction. And we have yet another hard decision to make. DEAR (IN)FERTILITY PATIENT, GREETINGS FROM THE REPRODUCTIVE DEEP FREEZE LAB!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT’S BEEN ANOTHER YEAR ALREADY? JUST WANT TO FIND OUT YOUR PLANS FOR YOUR FROZEN LITTLE EMBRYONIC DARLINGS! AS ALWAYS, YOUR LIST OF OPTIONS INCLUDES: |
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OPTION ONE: HAVE THEM ALL. OR AT LEAST TRY. ONE BY ONE. FIRST, THE GIRL, OF COURSE. OH, YOU HAVE TO TRY FOR THE GIRL! OR TWO BY TWO. THINK OF IT - TWO MORE PAIRS OF TWINS! OR EVEN ALL FOUR AT THE SAME TIME! HELL, THERE’S NOTHING STOPPING YOU. LITERALLY - THERE ARE, LIKE, ZERO LEGAL REGULATIONS ON THIS SHIT. |
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OPTION TWO: KEEP THEM ON ICE. *INDEFINITELY. FOR THE BARGAIN PRICE OF $500 PER YEAR. WHICH REALLY IS A BARGAIN CONSIDERING HOW MUCH IT COST YOU TO CREATE THOSE LITTLE BUGGERS. *UNLESS THERE IS AN EQUIPMENT MALFUNCTION, AND ALL THAT HARD WORK AND MONEY AND ENERGY AND HOPE IS DOWN THE DRAIN. FOR WHICH WE WOULD LIKELY BE VERY, VERY, VERY SORRY. BUT FOR WHICH WE MAY OR MAY NOT BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE. LIKE I SAID - LIKE, ZERO REGULATIONS. |
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OPTION THREE: THAW THEM AND LITERALLY PUT THEM DOWN THE DRAIN. I KNOW THAT MAY SOUND HARSH, but we really do just THROW THEM AWAY. WHat a shame - All that hard work, all that money - in the trash bin. PLEASE CONSIDER RECYCLING INSTEAD! READ ON TO SEE YOUR REUSABLE EmBRYONIC OPTIONS. |
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OPTION FOUR: DONATE THEM TO SCIENCE. MAYBE YOUR LITTLE EMBRYOS COULD LEAD TO A BIG STEM CELL BREAKTHROUGH FOR: ALZHEIMER’S RESEARCH! OR VIAGRA IMPROVEMENTS! THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS! |
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OPTION FIVE: DONATE THEM TO ANOTHER COUPLE ANONYMOUSLY. JUST THINK ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE. THINK OF ALL THE PEOPLE THAT YOU KNOW. ALL THE PEOPLE THAT YOU PASS BY IN A GIVEN MONTH. ALL THE PEOPLE COMMENTING ON THE INTERNET. SOME OF THEM ARE LONGING FOR A CHILD, LIKE YOU did. NOW THAT YOU HAVE SATISFIED YOUR REPRODUCTIVE LONGINGS, YOU COULD MAKE THEIR DREAMS OF PARENTHOOD COME TRUE!! BUT, WAIT -- THEY COULD BE HOLOCAUST DENIERS! OR CLIMATE CHANGE DENIERS! OR QANON PROPONENTS! YOU’LL NEVER KNOW. TALK ABOUT BLIND OPTIMISM! |
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Option Six: Donate them to another couple/individual of your choosing. It Could be someone you already know and trust - and live VERY far away from. Or you could enter the world of parental matchmaking! And you thought making new couples friends was awkward… |
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Please get back to us as soon as you weigh and discuss all the moral, societal, emotional, ethical, spiritual, psychological, karmic, philosophical, astrological, geological, ironic, comic, and economic implications of your decision -- Or within the next 30 days. -- Whichever comes first!
Sincerely, Your Reproductive Deep Freeze Team |
Wednesday, october 24, 2018